A Photographic Tribute to Elizabeth Taylor, Recent History’s Sexiest and Scandalousest Woman.Posted: March 24, 2011
Today is a sad, sad day in the study of scandalous love. One of history’s most prolific, most fabulous, most attractive ladies and lovers, Elizabeth Taylor, has arrived at the pearly gates. (While she may have committed some pretty serious adultery, she also did a lot of stuff for people with HIV/AIDS. So I think St. Peter probably let her in.)
We couldn’t NOT respond to the death of one of history’s sexperts.
Oh, Liz. What a woman. Those electric eyes! That raven hair! My English major’s heart bleeds. She played some of the sassiest, sexiest women in literary history. Maggie! Cleopatra! Kate!
But this blog isn’t about books. It’s about sex, and scandalous sex at that. Dear Aunt Liz was the expert. A virtuoso. The Mozart of sex, if you will (will you?).
And she was so classy about it! So secretive. We’ll probably never know the extent to which she got some. But we do know about her husbands, so let’s start there, shall we?
for shame! presents:
THE MANY HUSBANDS OF ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
CONRAD “NICKY” HILTON.
LAWRENCE “LARRY” FORTENSKY.
And just think – this is only the church-approved sex!
We would go into the deets of each marriage, but you can just turn on any TV anytime over the next week and half and learn all you want about them. The point we want to get across here is the sheer quantity. The fabulosity, the badassness.
Eight marriages. Seven men.
Not to overuse my favorite phrase, but girl got what was hers and we’re proud.
But that wasn’t her real legacy.
We’d like to conclude this tribute with just a few words about the fact that Liz Taylor was one politically aware bitch. We know her political exploits weren’t exactly sexploits, but we hope you’ll bare (misuse INTENDED) with us while we ogle her brains for a moment and not just her bod.
Since its inception in 1991, her AIDS foundation has raised over $100 million for AIDS research. I’ll just repeat that figure: ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOOOOLLAS! For those of you who aren’t so into math (we get it, adding and stuff can be tricky, we’re humanities majors, too), one hundred million dollars is a SHIT TON of money. And she was the one doing the leg work, too. She wasn’t just sitting there looking pretty. Well, she was looking pretty because it’s hard not to with eyes like that, but she was doing really important philanthropic work at the same time. And get this! She refused to attend the Oscars in 2003 because she thought that the war in Iraq was first-class bull shit and she even publicly condemned President Bush and his equally bull-shitty decisions regarding the “War on Terror.” To top it all off, in 2007, she was slotted to perform with her good friend Mufasa in an AIDS benefit in NYC. BUT! It was during the Writers Strike! Remember that? When The Daily Show wasn’t on for, like, ever? Anyway, rather than cross a picket line and enter the theatre, she asked the writers union for a one day dispensation and all the writers were like, “Yeah Liz! You’re so pretty and nice, of course we’ll stop picketing outside of this specific theatre for one night so that you can cure AIDS without disrespecting our cause. You betcha!” It’s also important to note that she did all of this while surviving, over the period of like 20 years or something, 5 broken backs, an operation on a benign brain tumor, debilitating osteoporosis and scoliosis, two really nasty bouts of pneumonia, and, oh yeah, skin cancer!
She was a strong and amazing lady (or as MRG and/or Kathy Griffin would say, “a strong black woman”) who used used her sexy and scandalous powers for good and not for evil. She may or may not have been a superhero who took the advice of the dying uncle at the beginning of the Spider Man movie to heart. With great power (gained through siberian-husky eyes, snow-white skin, jet black hair, a 20 inch waist and a really, really big heart) comes great responsibility.
MRG & LHB