She Bangs, She Bangs! (And murders a lot of people).Posted: April 8, 2011
Listen up. It’s time for our last installment of what has been a comically unpopular Week of Diversity. Site views have been at an all time low throughout what we thought would be an enlightening 7 days of multicultural scandal. But it’s fine. We get it. You’re not into it. We’ll get back to writing about white men just as soon as this post is over. But if you would indulge us, do read these last few words…
Because for the first time, we’re headed to east Asia! To China! You know, the place where a lot of Jackie Chan movies are set and where Lo Mein was invented. And we’re going further into history than we have dared until this moment. We’re going BC, bitches! That’s right, 2nd century BC China was a land and time rife with sex, scandal, and a whole lot of murderous court plots that put my boyHenry VIII and his clan to shame.
So, we’ve set the scene. It’s China, it’s 180 years or so before Jesus (not to bring Him into it, but I know how much you guys love white guys), and shit’s going down in the empire. But before the Orient goes all awry, a minor official named Liu Bang marries a woman named Lu Zhi who seemed really nice and sweet at the time. They have two kids, and then fast forward a tiny bit, this little kerfuffle (okay, more like a war) happens, and it’s led by none other than our man, Bang. And it ends with the people in power getting ousted onto their royal patooties.
Bang manages to become the Emperor after winning a follow-up war with his former partner. Who ended up poetically committing suicide by a river. Which looks like a fucking dream compared to the shit that’s about to happen. So sit the fuck down and keep reading.
Bang settles down into Imperial life nicely. Names his DUMPLING of a wife, Lu, Empress, and names their son, Liu Ying, the Crown Prince. He starts pimpin, like the best emperors so aptly do, and starts adding some sexy bitches to his harem and they start making him some more babies.
Lu is sent to rule a far-away province with her son, and starts flexing her political muscles there. She becomes BFFs with her husbands officials who admire her for her ruthlessness. (I know what you’re thinking – “what ruthlessness? she seems so sweet, so kind, so motherly” – well, shhhh, just wait). Starting during her time ruling the outer provinces, she was involved in a number of elaborate plots to trick and murder her husband’s enemies. And by “involved in,” what I mean is, she was the fucking mastermind behind it all.
Meanwhile, Bang starts bangin’ a concubine named Qi, and she has a son named Ruyi. So Qi is like, “Ohh hey, Bang, ooohh, look at my boobies, oh and by the way, don’t you think my son Ruyi would make suuuuch a good crown prince?? Oooooh yeahhh,” and then she probably gave him a BlowJ. The emperor really did consider the idea, probably because of Qi’s world-class BJs, but also because his son and heir Liu Ying was sort of a pussy. Ultimately all of his top officials were too tight with (or afraid of) Empress Lu to support the idea, so he abandoned it and then shortly after died.
So now Empress Lu becomes the Empress Dowager (that means mommy of Emperor) and she writes a To Do list that probably looks something like this:
- Start affair with dead husband’s trusted friend and adviser.
- Fucking fuck up everyone who is a threat to my emperor/son.
It was a short list, but not one to waist time, she set to it straight away. Almost immediately after her husband’s death, she started an affair with one of her husband’s ministers. I like to imagine that they did a lot of BDSM stuff, cuz how could you not if you were banging the most blood-thirsty empress-mommy the world had ever known? But when she wasn’t busy shacking up with her man-toy, she was focusing on priority number two. And first on the list of people to fuck up were Consort Qi and her son Ruyi.
So, get this. She forces Qi to wear peasant clothes and perform hard labor, like milling rice. And then she’s like, “Yeah, do that for a while and I’ll deal with you later, bitch.” Then she’s like, “All right, how do I get to Ruyi?” So she invites him to court and is planning some sort of “accident” to occur on his journey there, but HER son, the EMPEROR is actually a good guy!! And he’s like, “Mom! Dad really loved Ruyi, I’m going to have him at court for a while and I really like him, he’s my half brother, so stop trying to kill him, will ya?!” She obviously didn’t listen to him, but decided to lay low for a while and wait til her son, the Emperor, wasn’t around to make her move. A few months after Ruyi arrived at court, the emperor was like, “Hey dude, come hunting with me, it’ll be sick.” And he was like, “Fuck, man, it’s really early. I’m just gonna chill in bed.” And then they did their secret handshake and the emperor went out on his hunting trip. Empress Lu was like, “Mwahahhahaaaa” and immediately sent her favorite assassin to force poisoned wine down the 12-year-old’s throat.
Then Lu was like, “Now what did I do with that whore? Oh right! She’s out in the rice fields.” So she grabs Qi and has her tortured. And by tortured, what I mean is she has her limbs cut off, blinds her and deafens her and throws her in a pig’s trough. The emperor walks in on this and promptly voms and then was sort of sick in the head for at least a year. He was never really the same at all after that, conveniently leaving our cunning little Empress Dowager to rule the empire as regent.
Those are, in my opinion, the highlights of her 16 years of ruthless, bloody, sexy, scandalous rule, but she did some other really fucked up shit. I’ll just quickly share a few of them since this post is starting to get lengthy.
- She forced her son to get married, and when they didn’t have any kids, she suggested the reasonable solution that they adopt 8 children and then have all 8 mothers executed.
- She had another of her husband’s sons starved to death for slighting his wife/her niece.
- She attempted to kill another of her husband’s sons by poisoning his glass of wine before a toast, but then HER SON figured that shit out, grabbed the cup, put it up to his lips and she sprung out her chair and knocked the glass from his hands. Awkward.
- When she was grand-Empress Dowager, she had one of the royal adoptive grandchildren imprisoned and declared ill and unfit after he badmouthed her in public and brought up the whole executed-mom debacle.
- She died of some sort of armpit cancer that she believed was given to her by a magic blue dog apparition.
We realize that Lu’s story does not involve one, big, cathartic sex scandal. And that is what we profess to do, so I apologize that this entry sort of strays from our mission. But she was too good to pass up. And, shall I mention that while she was getting her murder on, she was also getting it on adulterously for a long-ass time. So I think it should still count. She was having sex, killing people, and ruling an empire all at the same time. If you ask me, Bitch was one of history’s most talented multi-taskers.
We also want to just offer a quick apology about the lack of socioeconomic diversity that we have shown this week. Nearly every perpetrator of diversity week has been the member of some royal family or another, and for that we are sorry.
But, it’s just like, really hard to find poor minorities to talk about, you know?