All Good Pirates Gotta Get a Little Booty.Posted: April 18, 2011
The scandalous subjects of For Shame’s posts have hailed from all around the world (thanks to Diversity Week). But we’ve sort of been neglecting the other two-thirds of our little planet…the high seas. That’s right, bitches. We’re getting all kinds of nautical (or NAUGHTYcal, am I right?!) for today’s post. Hold on to your tri-cornered hats, screw on your pegleg, and give your parrot a cracker because today is all about some scandalous eighteenth-century pirate loving.
But before we start, I know what you’re thinking. Pirates were criminals and murderers and smelly and
shit, what could possibly be so scandalous that even PIRATES would be shocked? Valid point, my friend. I get where you’re coming from but I must insist that you sit down, shut up, and keep fucking reading.
You may also be thinking that pirate culture is fucking dumb thanks to Disney’s Pirates of the Carribbean ride/franchise/”films,” the fact that you can set “Pirate” as your Facebook language, or that the entire Southern coastal United States is hilariously convinced that it was swashbuckler central before the Revolutionary War (step into any Myrtle Beach gift shop if you don’t believe me). And I’m inclined to agree with you emphatically. But in the interest of sex and scandals, just ignore that.
Back before Bob Marley, Jamaica was a British colony, and that’s where Jack Rackham, today’s hero, was born. The great thing about pirates is that no one has any fucking idea when they actually did anything. They weren’t exactly known for their bookkeeping. So young Jack was probably born sometime around 1682, and then he became a quartermaster on some sloop in 1718. What he did during those 26 years is anyone’s guess. Anyway, shit went down on the sloop, Jack fucking saved the day, and everyone decided he should become the new captain of the ship. It was around this time that he earned the nickname Calico Jack – because he wore a calico jacket. Probably the worst pirate name of all time. Calico refers to a cutesy homespun fabric or a lady cat. When I think pirate, I think Blackbeard or Dread Pirate Roberts. I don’t think Pretty Floral Fabric Jack.
But then again, Calico Jack was sort of a bitch-ass as pirates go. He accepted a bunch of commissions from the British government and only pirated small goods close to shore, as opposed to his contemporaries who fucking plundered the shit out of other ships.
Listen. It’s 2011. I get it. You think he was a big gay. You want him to have been swabbing the poop deck (KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN?!) with his strapping young first mate, I know. Shh. Be quiet.
BECAUSE YOU’RE WRONG. Jack was getting some with a strong
black pirate woman.
Jack and Anne Bonny met in the Bahamas on a singles cruise. They were at the swim-up bar
and met cute when they both ordered blended margaritas, no-salt-extra-lime at the same time. They had a laugh, looked into each other’s single eyes (because of the eyepatches), and knew it was fucking meant to be. Slight problem: Anne was married to small-time pirate/full-time douche James Bonny.
Jack and Anne got their bone on all over the place, but they weren’t too discreet about it. James found out. And he was PISSED. So he dragged (literally) Anne in front of the governor and demanded that she be flogged on charges of adultery and then returned to him. Cause you know, she needed to be taught a lesson after being pulled through the streets by her weave.
Anyway, the governor was like, “Hey. Dude. Be cool. You can just buy her. I’ll hook you up with a divorce-by-purchase.” To which Anne replied “AW HELL NO. I am a sexy pirate lady and I refuse to be bought and sold like an animal.” To which James and the governor replied “………………………………..HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” So the date for the flogging was set and Anne was gearing herself and her little parrot up as they waited in prison for the big event.
But then, on the night before the flogging, Calico Jack fucking swooped in there like the bad ass that he was(n’t), got a crew together real fast, jacked a ship from the bay, and escaped! He and Anne boned and cruised around the Caribbean and boned. And none of the crew knew that Anne was a lady! But then she got knocked up, and even though they lost their little pirate baby, it became apparent that there was a dame on board.
AND IT GETS BETTER. So whenever Calico Jack captured a ship, he would let the crew of that ship join his crew if they wanted. And one of the pirates who took him up on that little offer was Mark Read. AKA Mary Read. AKA another lady pirate! With a vagina and everything! And like Anne, Mary kept her gender under wraps. So Anne saw this sexy young thing come aboard and started to get her flirt on, big time.
And hey, listen up fellas. Shit’s about to get real enjoyable for you, because according to legend, Mary decided that the best way to tell Anne that she was a lady was to take her below deck, light a few candles, unroll the bearskin rug, and SHOW ANNE HER BOOBS!
Meanwhile, Jack was getting super jealous of all the attention that his slampiece was giving his new crewmember, and hatched a plan. He was going to kill that Read motherfucker. Make him/her walk the plank. So while Mary is “explaining” herself to Anne, Jack fucking walks in, ready to get his murder on. And he found them both partially undressed, let out history’s loudest yawp of joy, and insisted that Mary stay on indefinitely as a potential threesome participant/crewmate.
Calico Jack’s enduring legacy is twofold. He invented the Jolly Roger symbol, and he fucking loved the ladies. Seriously, he was sort of cool about giving women rights that they wouldn’t normally enjoy in the eighteenth century by letting Mary and Anne serve as members of his crew. He also just wanted to watch them make out probably. But he was a pretty good guy.
And you can’t ARRRRRgue with that.