A BABY of a Post.Posted: April 25, 2011
Since we’re all kind of dying with papers/finals/killmenowseriouslydoit, here’s a little BABY of a post to tide you over until things get a little less hectic over here on the college front.
Speaking of college, you know who didn’t graduate from one? Well, a lot of people, because college isn’t for everyone. But more specifically, John Quincy Adams’ second son, John. Because he got expelled. But that’s not who this post is about. That was just what we call a “segue” into talking about the real culprit, Mr. George Washington Adams.
I know what you’re thinking. Is it George Washington? Is it Adams? Who are we talking about? Who is the bad guy? What did he do? WHO did he do? Why does he have 3x the historical names of most people? Let’s stop fooling around here (cuz that can lead to all sorts of trouble) and talk some historical dirt!
Well, listen folks. Here’s what’s up: John Quincy Adams had a son named George Washington Adams, who he named after the country’s first president and his dad’s BFF, George Washington. GW Adams is the brother of Harvard-expelled John Adams of aforementioned segue fame! We’re talking about the grandchildren of the founding father, John Adams, who was played by Mr. Feeney in MRG’s favorite movie/musical 1776. Is that all clear now?
Here’s the good stuff:
John Quincy Adams, president of the US of A, had some disappointing children. The Adams’ family hopes of nepotistic world domination came to end with J. Quincy’s first son, George Washington. He was a womanizing spend-thrift who died at an early age by “accidentally” falling off of a boat. And by “accidentally falling off of a boat,” I mean he jumped off of a boat in order to kill himself by drowning. Not to downplay the seriousness of suicide (regardless of its historiosity) but guess the name of the boat he jumped from! I’ll tell you. It was called the Benjamin Franklin. Yeah, he killed himself by jumping from the deck of a ship named after his grandfather’s other BFF, world-class scandal-starting, syphilitic and always snazzy founding father Ben Franklin. Seems pretty fitting if you ask me. Especially considering the fact that after GW’s death, when his non screw up brother Charles was rummaging through his stuff, he came across an interesting letter. What follows is a totally factual and not at all untrue account of the discovery of the letter.
Posthumously discovered letter written by George Washington Adams: Dearest Brother, Charles. Question: would you mind if after I’m dead you could get in touch with a woman named Eliza Dolph. I met her while she was boarding with our family doctor. Remember that? Good times. Anyway, she may or may not have given birth to my illegitimate child. Who we named John Adams. Is that cool? Anyway, I would TOTES appreciate it, dude. I really owe you one. Hope it’s not too much of a problem! Gotta run, I have a boat to catch!
Charles (to himself): Oh yeah, sure, no problem, you goddam motherfucker. It’s not like I have to pay back all of your fucking gambling debts and shit. Jesus fucking christ. Now what am I gonna do? You fucking dick.
Well, here’s what he fucking did. He paid all of Eliza’s medical expenses. And I would imagine he gave her a little extra to keep her mouth shut. And sent her and the baby away somewhere. A while later, some of the people who took care of Eliza, keeping the whole thing a secret during her pregnancy decided they were going to go all Perez Hilton on everyone asses if they didn’t get a little extra cash. John Quincy, who knew about the whole thing by this point (and had just lost the race for the presidency as the incumbent) was like, “Fuck it!” and told them they could all go suck his dick because he wasn’t giving them shit. He was a strong black woman if I’ve ever seen one. And they denied the whole thing whenever it was brought up. The scandal sort of faded into obscurity, and after that and no one ever talked about it.
It’s really hard to find anything about the whole affair online. Probably because John Quincy and his son Charles were, like, masterminds at suppressing scandal. Clinton could take a page out of his book. Just sayin’.
Point is, very little is known about Eliza and GW’s love child. Just a word or two on GWA’s wiki page and then a few notes about it in biographies of JQA. A bunch of amateur genealogists seem to be pretty interested the bastard child’s family line, though. I guess it would be pretty cool to be illegitimately related to a president.
But alas, we must return to our studies. We hope your appetite for historical scandal is at least partially satiated by that little INFANT of a story.