Schmatzis had schmex too.

Ah, the profile of evil.

[Editor’s note: Although I posted this li’l gem, it is 100% USDA prime LHB. She’s having some difficulties with her internets, so I’m doing the extremely generous and arduous favor of posting for her. I also added the linkage, so don’t judge LHB for it. Judge me. Judge me hard. Love always, MRG.]

What’s more scandalous than a woman who has an affair with her step-son and then ends up marrying a guy whose extramarital affairs require governmental intervention?  WELL I’M GLAD YOU ASKED.  A NAZI woman with a penchant for young hotties and a cheating NAZI husband whose sexcapades had to be stopped by the fucking Fuhrer himself!!  That’s right folks, we’re talking about Hitler’s right hand, his weirdest looking henchman with a name that reminds me of the rodents that typically live in little cages in adorable elementary school classrooms, Joseph Goebbels, and his sexy and scandalous wife, Magda.

Okay, so here’s the deal.  Nazis are uncharted ground for For Shame!  Not on purpose.  We just haven’t come across any Nazi-scandals probably because being, you know, one of the most hated people in history kind of overshadows stories of sexual deviancy.  But Joseph and Magda were scandalous in their own right. For realz, guys.  If you take out all the Nazi shit and the fact that they murdered their 6 children and then committed suicide (I know, I just threw up in my mouth a little, too), they’re still up there with the best of them on the scandal charts.

Indiana Jones getting Hitler's autograph? FUNNY.

Let’s have a little disclaimer before we begin the post proper.  World War II.  Not funny.  The Holocaust.  Not funny.  Possibly the LEAST funny thing ever to happen ever.  I know.  I get it.  It’s been explained to me.  I’ve been a yid for a while and I’m well aware of how unfunny Europe was from 1932-1945.  And I’m skipping over the Holocaust-related parts of Goebbels’ Wiki page because it makes me want vom/sob.  BUT.  I’m an equal opportunity historical scandal blogger, people.  And Goebbels and his wife are For Shame! material like you cannot believe.  So let’s remember that Nazis had sex, too, and include them in our archives of the sexploits of yore.  Ok?  OK.

UGH! She's pretty. I wish she were not that.

Let’s start with Magda.  Quickie summary of her childhood: she’s an illegitimate baby, her parents do marry but then get divorced soon after, her mom marries a JEWISH (WHAT?!) manufacturer and then she takes his last name, Friedlander — my Bat Mitzvah partner’s mom’s last name, FYI.  The Friedlanders moved from Belgium to Berlin in 1914 because it wasn’t so good to be a German in Belgium during the Great War.  In Berlin, she met and had an affair with a refugee named Hiam FUCKING Arlosorff.  Do you catch my latke-smelling drift?  He was a big fat Jew! A Zionist even!  He was assassinated in Palestine of all places in 1933.  Holy Moses.  The girl had a thing for members of the tribe and she ended up marrying history’s number two Jew-hater.  Ahh, fate.

Anyway, at 17, she’s riding a train somewhere and meets this industrial tycoon (owns a major battery manufacturing company) who is a bajillion years older than she is and falls in love.  His name is Gunther Quandt and he’s fat and ugly and no one knows why she was into him.  Probably all the money.  Anyway, they got hitched in 1921 and had a little boy named Harald — he was the only one on of her seven children to survive WWII.  As she grew frustrated with her marriage, she set her sights on her 18-year old STEPSON, Helmut.  And they may have had a teeny-weeny (HA) affair before he died of appendicitis in 1927.

The other love of Gunther's life was Rachel Green.

The couple went on an automobile tour of America later that year where she may have had a little fling, or at least batted her eyes at/showed her boobies to Herbert Hoover, nephew of the president of the US of A.  After she and Gunther divorced, Herbie went over to Germany to propose to her (LIKE A BOSS), but she said no.  And then they went for a drive or something and he got them into a terrible car accident and she was seriously injured.  NOTE TO THE LADIES:  Don’t go on a car ride with someone whose marriage proposal you’ve just refused.

Like a doofus, Magda starts going to Nazi party meetings in 1930.  Eventually she sort of works her way up in the inner circles and becomes Goebbels’ secretary.  I imagine that he eyed her low-cut blouse and the rest was history.  The two tied the Nazi-knot on December 19th 1931 at her ex-husband’s farm.  Weird.  Adolf Hitler was a witness. (My stomach hurts.)

So that's Joseph on the left and Magda's first son Harald on the right and the rest of her 6 children surrounding her. Who feels uncomfortable?

The Goebbels' inspiration for baby-naming.

OK, so then over the next however many years, they have 6 kids whose names all start with “H,” which seems very creepy Von-Trapp/Sesame Street to me or something.  Anyway, even before they got married Goebbels really enjoyed getting his D wet whenever possible.  Which is weird because he looks like Voldemort.  I guess some women are into that.  Like Bellatrix.  [Ed. note from MRG: Not into Voldemort, but so into young Tom. I mean I’d open his Chamber of Secrets, KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN?!?>!???! Sorry LHB, continue.] Anyway, Goebbels’ most notorious affair was with the super-famous (apparently, what the hell do I know) actress, Lida Baarova.  The affair was way more intense than any of his other flings.  Like, to the extent that Magda went to her ol’ pal Adolf and was like, “Get this bitch OUT.”  Hitler called Joe into his office and was all, “You need to tell this whore to GTFO.”  But then SNAP! Goebbels OFFERED TO RESIGN RATHER THAN END HIS AFFAIR.  Hitler was like, “No one says “NO” to the fucking Fuhrer.”  And had Himmler have Lida deported.  WHAT?!  Yeah.  Shit was scandalous.  And it really hurt Adolf and Joseph’s relationship.  Yeah yeah poor them, they didn’t get along too well while they were orchestrating a continental genocide. Cry me a fucking river, assholes.  Magda also probably had a few affairs with other high ranking SS officials but they are not as well-documented or as scandalous.

Lida Baarova was fierce.

Anyway, in the final days of the war, when the Red Army had invaded Berlin, Hitler and his cronies were famously hiding out in the fuhrerbunker and getting all suicidal on everyone’s asses.  To make a long and tragic story short and trite, Magda and Joseph drugged their 6 children with morphine and then broke cyanide pills in their mouths in order to kill them.  Once their kids were dead, they went upstairs to the courtyard and killed themselves.  Everyone debates on how they did the deed.  A lot of people think that Joseph shot Magda and then himself.  Others believe that they had themselves shot by a firing squad.  No one knows exactly.  And then they were burned and left there in the courtyard and discovered by the Russians the next day.

HISTORY GEEK OUT ALERT: I love this photo. It's the last photo ever taken of Hitler, I think. He's outside his bunker looking at a destroyed Berlin. So fucking poignant and shit.

While we’re on that high note, I should add that Magda’s step-father died at Buchenwald and she didn’t do anything to stop it.  UGH!  It’s tragic shit.  Nazis suck.  WWII sucked.  She was a crazy bitch.  But here’s the thing.  OOOOoooh, it’s hard to say.

She was like kind of a good person before she killed 6/7ths of her children and left her step-father for dead in a Nazi concentration camp.  I’M SORRY.  But listen.  Okay, maybe not a good person, but she had some good intentions.  Listen, She was trained as a Red Cross nurse.  She worked in an electrics something or other factory during the war.  She wanted to be an example for the wartime wife.  She even rode the bus to work with her fellow working wives.  WHAT?  She sounds like Eleanor fucking Roosevelt.  But she’s a Nazi!  So she’s innately evil, right?  UGH!  SO COMPLICATED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK!!

So I’m not going to.  I’ve provided you with the scandalous facts so you be the judge.  Let it percolate.  Or don’t.  Or just say the word “percolate” aloud a couple of times.  It’s really fun.

What’s really important here is that we remember a few things:

If Goebbels was a gerbil, he's be this gerbil.

  1. I love to make lists.
  2. WWII/Holocaust UNFUNNY.
  3. Nazis had scandalous sex, too.
  4. Goebbels had the sex-drive of a gerbil.
  5. Magda probably did too, and also was a teeny bit crazy even for Nazi standards.
  6. Even if you take away all the Nazi shit, this couple’s scandalosity is still one for the For Shame! annals.
  7. I still love list-making.

LHB


4 Comments on “Schmatzis had schmex too.”

  1. […] an un-chronological history textbook. From P&P he moved on to some Brit miniseries about the Schmazis and Schmueremberg, and then he had an ASTOUNDING turn in Frost/Nixon as Frost’s bff John […]

  2. Indi says:

    You might want to attend University, or at least finish 7th grade before you start expounding on historical events. Writing is not your forte. It’s irresponsible to spread these kind of flippant remarks about so serious a subject.

    • Indi says:

      No one has “liked” nor “shared” your supposedly “sexy” blog since 2011, which is 4 years ago.

      • Indi says:

        I want to apologize for my angry remarks. I don’t spend hardly any time online, but that is no excuse. My apologies. You certainly have the right to free speech.


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