A Patriotically Patriarchal Theme Week.

Good afternoon dedicated readers. It’s that time again: theme week! I know, you’re saying to yourself, “But they just did once of those!” Well, if we’re being honest, it’s because theme weeks are the most popular statistically speaking, since they concern scandals and characters that people have actually heard of. I mean, who’s ever heard of Seretse Khama, Bill Lancaster or some dude named Walt Whitman?? Come on, no one’s gonna google search that shit.

But anyway, get ready for some pater familius fun, because in honor of that great, fake holiday, ‘Father’s Day,’ we’re delving deep into the highly scandalous lives of the original Wolf Pack—The Founding Fathers.

No epidural necessary when the founding fathers birthed our nation in 1776. They're not pussies. Literally.

Well now you’re saying “Why didn’t they do this for Mother’s Day too? The Founding Mothers were just as important to the creation of this great country!” And to reply, we answer that, we here at for shame! deal in the sort of mild bigotry one might find at a middle-school band concert, in which the predominantly white, suburban kids play some sort of “ethnic” piece, such as dummed-down versions of traditional ‘Persian’ or ‘Oriental’ folk songs. Is it racist? Yes. But are they trying their darndest to be multicultural? Yup, they sure are.

To borrow a phrase from my freshman race and gender theory class, our “recreation and perpetuation of structures of domination” is not meant to harm, merely amuse in a way that assuages your own cultural guilt. We’re here to give you the sexy, sexy dirt on all the greatest hits of your intro to American Gov. class. Jefferson! Franklin! Hancock (too easy)!

There's nothing like clip art to get me in the mood for father's day.

Yes, they’re all dead white guys, but it was 18th century America. Use that liberal-arts degree and the inherently inflated sense of self-righteous indignation that came with it and view this snippet of Americana the way we’re meant to watch Mad Men: with the less than whole-hearted sentiment of “Oh yeah, we’ve come a long way since then!” So whip out the following week’s worth of facts dear readers, at parties populated with your ‘less aware’ friends, or preferably at the dinner table over some summer salad, with your beloved and conservative parents. After all, it is to them that we dedicate our following endevours.

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