Nancy Wake will AROUSE you, if you catch my drift.

Let me tell you a story about a hot bitch who killed Nazis.

cum at me, bro

Enter Miss Nancy Augusta Wake (initials NAW, as in ‘NAW, man, I only chase my whiskey with the sweet whiff of French countryside littered with rotting Nazi corpses’). Nancy was born in New Zealand, aka birth place of this guy. She ran away from home at age 16 with £200 in her pocket. To put that in perspective, that’s probably enough to buy 20 shots of tequila. Can you tell I’m writing this on a Saturday night with a Magic Hat in hand? You’re right, it’s Sunday morning. And it’s absinthe. (But actually it’s just Magic Hat.)

Not that Nancy had time to check out the club scenes in NYC or Paris (where she traveled, on her own, by the way) (16, remember) because she was training herself to be a journalist. This chick was fucking Lois Lane by the time she was 18, but not really because if she met Superman she probably would have told him to suck his own cock if he was so damn super.

ANYHOW. Nancy gets hitched. Boring. Whatever, he was an industrialist, it was probably only for political leverage.

Shit got real a year later when the French front fell re that whole WWII debacle. My girl Nancy was not pleased, and joined the French Resistance as a courier (aka a sneaky mothafucka). She worked the escape network, and used a flat as a hiding place, which she OSTENSIBLY used as a secret rendezvous for a lover.

Nancy ≥ this basterd

So that idea had the Nazis a little distracted with wet dreams. She got the Gestapo’s panties in a bunch more than once, and they started to call her The White Mouse.

Three years later, she was the Gestapo’s most wanted (IN BED) person and there was a 5-million franc reward on her head. To put that in perspective, that’s probably enough to buy 2.5 million shots of tequila. Roughly. Inflation and all that economic shit makes it difficult to say for sure but you get the idea.

“A little powder and a little drink on the way, and I’d pass their (German) posts and wink and say, ‘Do you want to search me?’ God, what a flirtatious little bastard I was.”

She fucking said that. Girl WINKED at NAZIS.

So her husband is captured and killed (sad, I guess) but Nancy is resilient like a good pair of heels on a Saturday night and KEPT ON KEEPIN’ ON. She booked it on over to Britain where she joined the Special Operations Executive (can’t you just hear Judi Dench’s voice saying that? I can). The SOE trained her (didn’t last long before they realized she was a ninja fox) and then parachuted her into France. The following exchange was said to happen when she landed in a tree in Franzia (france, sorry, what):

French asshole: I hope that all the trees in France bear such beautiful fruit this year.

Nancy: Don’t give me that French shit.

I’d like to see Nancy fight that bitch Elsa from Indiana Jones 3.

During her time in France, Nancy committed the following bad-asseries:

  1. Led attacks on the Gestapo headquarters.
  2. Killed a German sentry with her bare hands.
  3. Biked over 500 miles in under 72 hours to find a radio operator. To put that in perspective, that’s… much more than I could bike after five tequila shots.
  4. Killed a girl accused to be a German spy when none of her men would do it.

I’m sorry but that’s pretty damn impressive when I think about what I did in France, which was buy a cheap beret, eat profiteroles, and stare at statues of naked dudes in the Louvre.

Post-war, a bunch of kiss-ass suckers were throwin’ medals at her like dolla dolla bills and Nancy was like:

“I told the government they could stick their medals where the monkey stuck his nuts.

Okay but WHY, you might ask, when so many French/British/Germans(probably) were clamoring to capture the white mouse (IN BED) did she not take advantage of some steamy post-battle sexy time???

“I was too busy killing Nazis for amorous entanglements.”

I found this when googling “amorous entanglements.” Shout out to MRG.

She fucking said that.

“But you see, if I had accommodated one man, the word would have spread around, and I would have had to accommodate the whole damn lot!”

She was a BOMBSHELL SPY and did not have time for a little behind-the-barracks blowie?? Now that, my friends, is scandalous.

KAB


3 Comments on “Nancy Wake will AROUSE you, if you catch my drift.”

  1. mick says:

    Dear KAB,

    I came across this article on Nancy as a result of a Google news alert.

    I can say, that overall Nancy would approve of your good natured biography, with one exception. I correct it on behalf of my dear old friend Nancy as she would want me to.

    Nancy was head over heels in love with Henri Fiocca, the wealthy Industrialist. She was besotted by him and him her. It was a love story worthy of a film in itself. Sure she liked the money, but she used it for the Marquis, not fancy clothes (well not all the time). Nancy just adored Henri and did so until the day she died.

    Imagine the grief, the poor girl looking forward to a great fucking session only to find out her lover, husband, had been murdered by the Gestapo for not betraying her.

    Nancy never got over the murder of Henri by the Gestapo. She only found out at the end of the war and she could do nothing about it. This is why she said she wished the war would go on forever, so she could kill all the Nazis she could find. The best she could do was work for the war crimes tribunal after the war..

    Nancy would have been 100 in another month. We were all sure she would make the 100 but it was not meant to be. The fact she lived to be 99 is remarkable and defies medical science. No one who drank the amount of spirits she did should live to be over 50. Nancy moved back to London to be closer to her WW2 mates, especially the Marquis. Sadly when she got there Nancy found that almost all of them were dead, she didnt think she was old you see. However lonely it might have been at times, it was what she wanted.

    The cremated remains of Nancy were airdropped at the same location as her first parachute drop into France.

    So thanks for your article, I loved it, thanks for letting your readers know about Nancy.

    Mick Bowman
    Melbourne
    Australia

    • kburritto says:

      Hi Mick!

      Thanks so much for your response! And please know that I greatly respect Nancy and that this “biography” is hardly one at all, and rather a sort of a light-hearted retelling of Nancy’s tale to draw my readers’ attention to it. I was aware of her husband, and that he meant a great deal to her, and apologize that I misconstrued that for the sake of humor in the post. In all honesty, her loyalty to her husband in this case is just as inspiring as the other parts of her story. I’m glad you enjoyed it otherwise, and thank you for bringing out the truth in the matter!

      KAB


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