Anastasia, imma let you finish, but Catherine the Great is the finest Russian royal of all time.

Do you think they painted out her cleavage?

All right, all of you History Buffs (or History Lightweights, as I might call myself). You probably already know about Catherine the Great. Tsarina CZARina of Russia, rebellion smiter, border-expander, general ass-tamer. She was one of what those History Weaklings might call THE ENLIGHTENED DESPOTS, a.k.a. monarchs who throw money at people like Voltaire and then ignore hordes of starving serfs.

BESIDES THE POINT. Catherine is known for more than taming the asses of rebellious Cossacks. She also tamed the asses of numerous (indeed, innumerable) Russian lovers.

Let’s get a few things straight. First of all, Catherine wasn’t even Russian. She was Prussian (/German). Frederick the Great made an alliance with the Czarina of Russia, Elizabeth, by wedding Catherine to her son Peter III, a deal that I reimagine going down in a series of text messages:

  • Freddy: yo lizzie i got a sweet piece of german ass 4 ur boi. u down?
  • Lizzie: omg ship that shit overnite pls. kisses~

Catherine visited Russia and completely transformed herself to win the Czarina’s favor. She changed her name (from Sophie to Ekaterina) and converted to Russian Orthodoxy. Czarina Elizabeth fell in LOVE with this girl, but her son (a.k.a. the guy who was supposed to marry her) was not digging her so much. But believe me, the feeling was mutual.

She could cut you with those cheekbones.

Catherine, predictably, ends up marrying Peter and living in Russia. Predictably, Peter proceeds to the throne as Czar when Elizabeth kicks the bucket. Perhaps predictably, he makes about as good of a king as he would a porn star. After only five months of rule, Peter III is removed from the throne and supposedly assassinated, a conspiracy which may have involved Catherine.

Either way, Catherine proceeds to the throne without so much as batting an eyelash. Her marriage produced one son, Paul, and sources aren’t even positive that he was a legitimate heir to the throne. (Seriously, BBC and Biography cannot agree on this topic. The History Channel basically admits they have no fucking clue.)

The reason people are hesitant to claim that Catherine’s offspring are legitimate is because she was the Russian court horse. Anybody that she deemed worthy took a ride. Although, contrary to the popular myth, Catherine DID NOT die attempting intercourse with a horse. Let’s just straighten this out here and now: Catherine was a decent woman. An extremely horny, but decent woman.

Catherine embraced her unwritten regal right to bang whoever she wanted whenever she wanted. She entertained two lovers before she was even crowned Czarina: military officer Sergei Soltykov and Stanislaus Poniatowski. These are the rest of her KNOWN lovers:

  • Gregory Orlov – A military commander, he helped her to the throne and she promoted him to Count. Makes you wonder who was on top in the bedroom.
  • Gregory Potemkin – A brutish military type, he continued to be friends with Catherine after their affair died out. He actually helped search for future lovers, who would sleep with Catherine’s ladies in waiting before receiving the stamp of approval to enter the Czarina’s boudoir.
  • Ivan Rimsky-Korsakov – Keep your pants on; it’s not the composer. Their affair was short-lived. Catherine found out he was also banging one of her BFFs, so she had the two of them ousted from court. #sorrynotsorry
  • Alexander Dmitriev-Mamonov – I really think this guy’s face looks weird, but apparently he spoke French and that did the trick for Catherine. This guy fell in love with one of her chambermaids. I guess Catherine didn’t really give a shit this time around, and let the two of them get married.
  • Vladimir PutinJOKES ON JOKES.
  • Alexander Lanskoy – He was 21 and Catherine 50 when they started their affair. Apparently he wasn’t interested in the titles or favors that Catherine often bestowed on her lovers. Finally, a man who only wants a woman for her body. Unfortunately, he died four years later of diphtheria.
  • Ivan Shuvalov – Shuvalov was the Minister of Education at the time, and used his post-coital sweet talk wisely: Catherine helped him establish the first university in Russia, Moscow University, and an academy in St. Petersburg that was open to the children of peasants. Aw. I bet he liked spooning.
  • Platon Zubov – He was only 22 when he got in the bag with Catherine, but he milked their relationship for all it was worth. When she died, he was one of the wealthiest and most powerful men in Russia.

I could go on to talk about her issues with the clergy, her alliances with Prussia and France, the splitting up of Poland… But instead I’m going to post this picture of a young Catherine with a unicorn for LHB.

С Новым годом!


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