The Grace of Ms. Kelly

LHB here — struggling to think of sibling jokes that MRG didn’t already use, but here.  Today’s guest blogger is my little (although, much taller, skinnier, and blonder than me) sister, REB.  Like MR & AMG, REB and my relationship is built on substantive stuff.  Mainly, television.  As kids, we used to watch sitcom reruns on the WB in secret — Mom and Dad allowed only PBS.  It was, I believe, the illicit watching of such delicious trash as Sister Sister, The Nanny, and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air that nursed our earliest tendencies towards comedy, and shaped our nearly identical senses of humor (and made us really good at rapping).  And now, when we catch up on the phone, REB talks about Jessica Day like she’s her real friend, and this worries me about her mental health.  So maybe we should have stuck with Wishbone.  Who knows.  But my sister loves a good scandal, and she picked like the hottest historical hottie to write about.  So, enjoy.

Like sister, like sister (is that a phrase?) I am two glasses in on this two-buck-chuck  situation and feeling wonderful. So it’s time to talk about some scandalous history makers, cuz that’s what I’ve been told this site is about or something. But in all seriousness, I am so honored that MRG, LHB, JAF, and KAB have asked us young folk to participate in Siblings Week. They are such wonderful history princesses! SPEAKING OF WHICH (smooth transition) let’s talk about everyone’s fav American Princess: Grace Kelly.

The epitome of GRACE. I'm going to overuse this joke, so just deal with it.

The epitome of GRACE. I’m going to overuse that.  Deal with it.

My first thought when Grace Kelly comes to mind is not of scandal but of super classiness and overall glamor and fabulousness (real words, I did not make up!!) But in reality, this badass beeetch was tearing up the town from a young age, and basically making her parents suffer from continuous and extreme anxiety attacks (I am not a doctor…but I bet that’s what went down) over her crazy sex life. And I mean, like, CRAZY.

First of all, can we talk about how Grace Kelly is from PHILADELPHIA?! I mean….WHAT? Sorry, but you can’t get more fucking badass than that.  But she later spent a lot of time trying to make people forget that, considering she could eaaaasily pass for British and was literally known as the “Ice Princess”. She was also thought of as extremely chaste and even a VIRGIN before she was made a princess. HA! I doubt anyone believed that. But she was just a bad-A from Philly who probably would have partied with Charlie and the gang at Paddy’s every night.

My favorite Philadelphians. Second only to Kelly, OBVS. Oh yeah and the G sistahs.

So if it isn’t clear already, I need to say: please remove from your mind the pristine image of grace (AGAIN, HA) that Grace Kelly embodies and replace it with one of an AWESOME sexual DEVIANT. Her sexual rampage through New York’s finest hotties and Hollywood’s hunkiest is one for the history books, my friends. Thankfully for all of us historical scandal lovers, Kelly grasped her sexuality by the balls and decided to be a fabulous sex goddess throughout her life instead of ACTUALLY being a boring British-y tightwad. Get it girl!!

Let’s start with college. She attended the New York American Academy of Dramatic Arts (which I was pretty sure was just a made up school on Glee) and was super successful there (maybe cuz she was banging her teachers.)  While in school, she became SO enamored with one of her professors that not only did she bone him, she actually brought him home to her parents and was like HEY THIS IS THE NEW YORK JEW I’M GONNA RUN AWAY WITH, and her super GERMAN family was hooooriffied. Apparently she just wanted to piss them off because she quickly moved on to other things (by that I mean doing it with other dudes and dancing naked in the hallways of famous New York nightclubs). Yeah, about that: she would legitimately stand in the hallway of New York’s swankiest, fanciest hotel/nightclubs and dance in ONLY her panties to Hawaiian music (?) Not weird. Obviously, this would entice all sorts of men to her abode. If you saw a topless Grace Kelly dancing outside your hotel room, you’d take the hint.

Just one of many conquests.

Just one of many conquests.

In terms of her conquests, I honestly don’t know where to begin. She literally boned the world. Anyone from her best friend’s fiancé to fucking (litrally) BING CROSBY..she did ’em.  And I’m sure she did it good. So good, in fact, that Crosby actually proposed to her. Apparently she refused because she wasn’t in love with him, she just loved him, but we all know it’s REALLY because he wasn’t in line for a throne. Other famous lovers on her list were David Niven, William Holden, Ray Milland, Gary Cooper (hubba, hubba!!), Oleg Cassini and basically a lot of older, married men. I guess she was into that? She also had some weird bedroom quirks. Niven said she would have sex with him while wearing only those white, satin gloves we all picture her in. Yeah sorry, that basically destroyed the elegance of the white glove FOREVER. But like whatever, way to go girl! Love that kinky shit. And speaaaaking of kinky shit… (Like all my smooth transitions?! Who doesn’t have to write papers at art school? ME!!)

FORWARD, MUCH?

One of her more prominent lovers was Prince Aly Khan, who apparently gave her an emerald bracelet as a reward for her sexual favors. So not only was she sleeping her way to the top, she was legit BARTERING SEX. How fucking awesome can this lady get? Oh I know; she can get pretty fucking awesome, because after all that shit, she managed to convince the fucking PRINCE OF MONACO that she was the image of purity, and he was like, you’re a PRINCESS now. So there we have it. One of Hollywood’s most infamous vixens became one of the most beloved royal icons in history. It’s a Cinderella story …kind of? But like with a lot of sex… and backstabbing…and Alfred Hitchcock. And basically nothing is the same, but whatever YOU GET IT.

REB