Living in TalieSIN with Frank and Mamah.

I know what you’re thinking: “Man, I’m real fucking tired of reading sentences on this here blahg that begin, ‘I know what you’re thinking.'”

Fair enough.

But counterpoint: I know what you, our dear, sweet acolytes of sin and scandal, are thinking.  How can your Aunt MRG, a connoisseur of (read: holder of a useless minor in) architectural history, a maven of mullions, a lover of lintels, an epicure of entablature, completely disregard the EXCEPTIONALLY SCANDALOUS life of the man who changed the face of American architecture 4ever, Mr. Frank Lincoln Lloyd Wright? How?! HOW??!?!

Welp, MRG doesn’t have an answer other than she only recently discovered that good ol’ FLW (which is ALMOST 3LW, GUYS) was REAL ADULTEROUS for a REAL LONG TIME and shit ended REAL BADLY after reading two-thirds of a shitty historical romance novel about it that her mom got for free at the end of a library book sale.

Before we get into it, I just need you to know that I wasn’t joking when I said shit ended badly. This might be the saddest, most emotionally confusing story we’ve ever done or will ever do. Go grab some tissues and cake to absorb your eye-rain and your mind-feelings, respectively. I’ll wait.

As always, you’re going to want to channel Lemon by the end of this post.

Okay, ready? Excellent.

Frankie was born in 1867 in Wisconsin to good, honest, hard-working prairie people. Mommy was a country school teacher and Daddy was a music instructor/itinerant preacher/salesman/smalltime mafioso (one of those is not true, but he was sort of a jack of all trades). Kind, pure, milk-drinking Midwesterners, they were. I’m over-emphasizing this because Midwesternism was really the ideological and aesthetic center of Frankie’s architectural schtick and also the psychological center of his adultery schtick. We’ll get to that.

When Frank was 14, MommyWright had had enough of DaddyWright’s occupational instability and subsequently, his inability to keep the bratwurst and head cheese on the table, and HE GOT SERVED with divorce papers and probably a complimentary glass of milk.

Frank around the time he headed to Chicago to make it big. I'd do it.

Young Frank Wright is the only Frank Wright you’re getting from me. He peaked early.

Thus Frank set forth into young adulthood from a broken home, which totally sucks in an almost Greek-tragedy/O. Henry kinda way, because ~*gEt tHiS*~ he wanted to be an architect. He wanted to un-break homes professionally. This is deep shit. So Frank kissed his Ma and his two sisters bye-byes, boarded the next train for Chicago, got a job at a mid-level architectural firm, and started sending checks home.

Frankie was sort of a prodigy. And really, he was the worst kind of prodigy: that pompous, unbelieveably innovative kind that can’t tolerate the what the plebians are consuming because it lacks soul and truth, or whatever. <architectural boner time real quick> In this case, what the plebs loved was cutesy, gingerbready, machine-made gew-gaws and whosy-whatsits that you could order from a catalog and nail on your house, the central structure of which probably came from a pattern book (which was essentially a cookbook, but for houses instead of food). Frank. hated. this. shit. and wanted to design houses that were beautiful and true and born from their surroundings, not ordered from page 52 of this season’s JCrew catalog. </architectural boner time> So he skipped around a couple more firms, working as a draftsman, and eventually settled at the firm of Louis Sullivan, who invented the skyscraper. Cool. Modern. Closer to Frank’s jam. You get it.

Also, around this time he marries Kitty Lee Tobin, who is a JAF-level beautiful ginger whom Frank meets at church (he’s still a good Midwesterner, you know). Believe it or not, she’s also a bit of a snooze. Wants to have babies to pass off to an Irish nanny, embellish hats, maybe prune an indoor topiary or two. Your basic 1890s lady-activities. But she’s nice. Nice and bland.

Professionally, Frank’s also doing ehh, just okay. He and Louis pal around for a handful of years in the way a curmudgeonly-but-talented-and-once-#1 older guy and an ambitious wunderkind are wont to do, but towards the end of his apprenticeship, Frankie designs a bunch of houses in secret. Like, he just has to. He’s an artist. This job has been more challenging than the last few, but he’s like, not growing anymore, you know? So he leaves Louis and sets out to fucking turn the architectural world upside-fucking-down.

This is the second most important American architect of all time.

This is the second most important American architect of all time.

He opens his own practice, starts getting commissions, starts doin’ his prodigal thang. And at just the right time: Chicago’s upper crust are reeeeeally looking to separate themselves from the ever-growing population of Muggles that comes with life in a burgeoning industrial city. I mean, this is when and where The Jungle took place. People are falling into meat grinders. Babies are drowning in sewage puddles. City life is becoming real gross, real smelly, and real real.

So the wealthies are like, “DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH MY HOUSE AS LONG AS IT’S EXPENSIVE AND NOT UGLY AND NO ONE ELSE HAS IT.” Lucky for Frank, that’s essentially his business plan to begin with. Lucky for us, one of those wealthies, Edwin Cheney, was married to the latest in what’s quickly becoming a recurring ForShame! character type — a stunning, strong, smart, other-positive-adjectives-that-begin-with-S SLAMmotherfuckingPIECE named Mamah. Pronounced like MAY-muh (I don’t like it either).

Mamah Borthwick Cheney was beautiful, had serious conviction, and held two Master’s degrees. TWO. OF. THEM. Basically, she was the anti-Kitty Wright. Well, she did have two kids and tried to play housewife for a while (after she got learned), which was a Kitty kinda thing to do. But she also went to lots of women’s rights meetings in town and did other cool things like translate German texts and stuff.  She had intellectual and social and cultural interests outside of her house and family in a time when a lot of women really didn’t, is what I’m trying to say.

Another of her interests was Frank Lloyd Wright’s big ol’ dick.

Mamah's made-up name was the only dumb thing about her.

Mamah’s made-up name was the only dumb thing about her. Aside from the family abandonment.

It was really the perfect storm. In 1903, Edwin Cheney commissions FLW to get architecturin’ on their Oak Park property. But Ed (who, it should be said, seems to have been a pretty good guy) had a traditional 9-to-5 and therefore couldn’t make a lot of let’s-look-at-blueprints-type meetings with Frank. Mamah fucking hated housewifery, had free time, and was more than capable of talking business (gasp). So Mamah and Frank spent a lot of time talking about abstract things like his philosophy and her feminism and real, phallic-shaped things like columns and beams. You see where this is going. Notably, though, both Real History and that novel suggest that they totally didn’t fuck until the house was finished.

Meaning they sat across a desk from one another, having extremely hot brain sex, for YEARS before finally having extremely hot body sex.

Frank respected Mamah, with her feminism and her translationism, as his intellectual equal, and probably missed talking to her (and peeking down her shirtwaist, knowwhatimsayin) on the regular. So a couple years after the house is complete, Frank comes up with the idea to design the Cheneys a garage and also give Mamah neck massages until suddenly they make out and then woops everyone’s naked and then boom, adultery is official.

They manage to keep it a secret for a little while, but pretty soon the extremely bored housewives of Oak Park are gossiping/pearl-clutching/face-fanning at the thought of the douchey architect next door and the amoral feminist around the block boning each other. It becomes even bigger news when Edwin Cheney and Kitty Wright refuse to give their respective spouses a divorce, and Frank and Mamah (celeb name Framah) react BY GOING TO EUROPE TOGETHER INDEFINITELY.

He meets with Very Important Architects and gets a folio of his work published. She meets with authors and starts translating their work into English. They fuck in Paris. They fuck in Berlin. They fuck in Florence. They fuck allllllll over the EU. Eventually, Edwin (who, again, is a great dude considering) consents to the divorce, and Framah return after more than a year. Pearl-clutching is less vigorous. Kitty’s still pissed, though, and makes Frank’s personal and professional life in Chicago a nightmare.

Stop trying to make organic, nature driven, horizontally-oriented prairie architecture happen. It's not going to happen.

Stop trying to make organic, nature driven, horizontally-oriented prairie architecture happen. It’s not going to happen.

So in 1911 Frank uses his mom’s money to purchase land in the Wisconsin countryside on which to build Taliesin, a home and studio and one of the definitive examples of American architecture. Also, Taliesin means “adulterous fuckpad” in Welsh (no it doesn’t) so it was the site of a LLLLOTT of boning, as it was meant to be Framah’s private retreat from the Oak Park Mean Girls (GUYS just realized Mean Girls takes place in Evanston, which is close to Oak Park. GUYS, Regina George is a Time Lord).

Anyway, it’s an architectural and personal triumph, since Frank thought the affair ruined his rep in America and the house was meant to be a giant, beautiful middle finger to all the nay-sayers. It was his most innovative structure yet and it was built solely for the purpose of continuing the affair that should have ruined his career. Oh Frank, you old so-and-so.

So Framah are fucking blissfully happy now, because they can be together and see their kids and she can keep being an intellectual goddess and he can keep being an architectural messiah and they can keep making out all the time and eating farm fresh Wisconsin eggs and just live a wonderful, quiet, happy, settled life.

Until, that is, MAMAH AND HER TWO KIDS ARE MURDERED WHILE TALIESIN BURNS TO THE GROUND.

F

U

H

H

H

H

H

C

C

K.

Fuck.

I told you it was sad.

I mean, even if you weren’t on board with Framah because of the adultery and the child abandonment, and even if you didn’t care about their attempts to alter the American cultural landscape forever for all time, or that they eventually tried to do right by their respective families, you can still recognize that that shit is sad.

S

A

D.

In 1914, Taliesin was almost-but-not-quite finished. Mamah and Frank were living there while construction was wrapping up. Mamah invited her kids to the loveshack for the first (AND LAST, SHIT) time. Frank had to go to Chicago one day to do a little work in his office. “Alright,” Mamah said, over a plate of organic, farm-to-table breakfast sausages made from jolly Wisconsin swine, “not like this is the last time we’ll ever see each another haha kiss kiss BUHBYE.”

Carlton burned that shit to the ground.

Carlton burned that shit to the ground.

Then Julian Carlton, a Barbadian dude who was either a vengeful butler or member of the crew finishing construction on Taliesin, set the house ON FIRE, trapped Mamah, her son, and her daughter in the burning dining room, and murdered all three of them with an axe. Four more employees die. The novel wants you to think that this Carlton fellow just really hated adultery, but that’s dumb, and in reality, no one ever figured out the motive. Your heart hurts as you contemplate the purpose of justice in a world full of madmen.

Frank moves on. He rebuilds Taliesin, starts dating another socialite, Kitty gives him a divorce, he marries said socialite, keeps on building, cements his reputation as the most important American architect there ever was, and generally forgets about Mamah. You wonder if life is just a series of futile actions and useless associations that inevitably end in suffering and loss.

Through hot tears of rage, confusion, and despondency, you choke down a hunk of that cake I told you to have ready. It is salty from your weeping, but still cake. You have channeled Liz Lemon, as I said you would. “Blerg,” you say. “Blerg those fuckers.”

MRG


Eddie could have made it all the way home (if he hadn’t been shot).

Good news, racists! We’re back to the white dudes today. And what better way to celebrate whiteness than by focusing on a pre-Jackie Robinson baseball player whose life was adapted into a film starring Robert Redford in period clothing?

Who could the scandalous man be? Joe DiMaggio? He boned Marilyn! He’s pretty scandalous! Babe Ruth? He banged all kinds of ladies! I know, I saw the John Goodman made-for-television special!

No. Ladies and gentlemen, your sexy, scandalous, roid-crunching (just kidding, it was the 1940s) mystery man is….EDDIE WAITKUS!

I think their caption says it all.

I know what you’re thinking. Who the fuck was Eddie Waitkus? WELL I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED. (Before we go any further I feel compelled to warn you that I am a biased observer because Eddie was involved in a lot of stuff that keeps me going when the going gets shitty. And those things are the Philadelphia Phillies, baseball movies, and Robert Redford.)

Young Eddie Waitkus was the son of Lithuanian immigrants and grew up in Depression-era Boston. He was real fucking smart, well-educated for a poor Southie kid, and spoke several languages. If you consider “mathematics” a foreign language (and I do, I sure do), this sort of sounds like the plot of Good Will Hunting.

Anyway, Eddie fucking loved baseball, as every red-blooded American man (specifically those who want to date me) should. He turned down scholarships to Harvard and Holy Cross to break into the minors when he was 19 in 1938. And then WHOOPSIES, World War II started in 1939, everybody went overseas, and Geena Davis and company took over on the diamond. Eddie ended up in the Philippines, where he saw a lot of action (as in war-action, not lady-action) (although he probably also saw a little bit of lady-action too). By the end of the war he’d acquired four Bronze Stars, and when he came back to the good old U.S. of A., he was drafted by the Cubs for the 1946 season and quickly became a star first baseman. And everyone loved him because he was really articulate and just an all-around good fucking dude.

But you know who REALLY loved him? Ruth Ann Steinhagen, a young lady from Chicago. Now most of the Ruths that LHB, JAF, and I come in contact with are demi-goddesses. But this Ruth was absolutely not one of those.

This is the Eddie that Ruth Ann fell in stalk with.

She was, however, a huge baseball fan. She went to a lot of games during the 1947 and 1948 seasons, and she had a little crush on Eddie, who was becoming one of the team’s stars. Now ladies. It’s time to be real for a second here. We’ve all thought about what it would be like to date a professional athlete. I’m partial to the baseball players namely because of the romance and nostalgia of America’s pastime and because of the tight pants. I’m sure you’ve got your athletic preferences too. But let me ask you something: have you ever built a shrine to a player because you love him so much? Do you spend time worshipping at that shrine when your team is on the road because you just can’t NOT look at the face of your lover-in-your-head?

I know you don’t do those things. But ol’ Ruth Ann did! And she would spend hours reading all of the newspaper articles that had ever been written about Eddie. She took classes so she could learn to speak Lithuanian like he did. AND SHE WOULD SET A PLACE FOR HIM AT THE DINNER TABLE EVERY NIGHT. Later, Ruth recalled that she “just became nuttier and nuttier about the guy.” Yes.

So needless to say, young Ruthie was a bit put out (baseball pun INTENDED) when Eddie was traded to the Phillies (or Sillies, as my dad and I have been calling them since the early 90s) following the 1948 season. Prior to the trade, Ruth had quit her job and had taken to walking around the city looking for her (imagined) main squeeze, so you can imagine what kinds of crazy shit she was getting herself into in the name of Eddie Waitkus until that June, when the Phillies came to Wrigley Field for a three-game set. It was Eddie’s first time in Chicago since the trade, and Ruth had plans.

SCANDALOUS PLANS!!!!1

On June 14, after the first game in the series, Eddie and his road roommate headed back to their room in the Edgewater Beach Hotel on Lake Shore Drive and then went out for a little grub, shot the shit, probs got some numbers, the usual. Meanwhile, Ruth was lounging somewhere in the same hotel – she had booked a room there as soon as she found out that’s where the Phillies and her beloved Eddie would be staying. She invited her best girlfriend, Helen, up to tell her a little secret:
RAS: Helen, I have to tell you something.
H: Shoot, girlfriend!!!
RAS: Funny you should say shoot…I have a gun in this room and I’m going to shoot Eddie Waitkus tonight!
H: Haha Ruth you’re so funny can we order a movie and get some chicken fingers from room service?

Ruthie and her notie.

Helen didn’t believe Ruth (forreal Helen? She fucking made dinner for him every night!) and left shortly after the movie ended. Then Ruth called a bellhop up to her room, instructed him to deliver a note to Mr. Waitkus, and slipped him a fivespot to keep that shit discreet.

What did the note say, you might ask?

Mr. Waitkus – It is extremely important that I see you as soon as possible.  We are not acquainted, but I have something of importance to speak to you about.  I think it would be to your advantage to let me explain this to you as I am leaving the hotel the day after tomorrow.  I realize this is out of the ordinary, but as I say, it is extremely important.

So Eddie rolled into his hotel room around 11 and his roomie was like “Bro, mail for you from some bitch named Ruth in 1297.” AND EDDIE HAD BEEN DATING A GIRL NAMED RUTH! They would meet from time to time for booty calls when he was in the Midwest, and Eddie saw this note and was probably like “Oh OKAY!” and ran up to Crazy Ruth’s room thinking he was going to get some awesome role-playing ass.

And he did get some. He got some bullet in his chest.

When he got to room 1297, a woman answered and identified herself as Ruth’s friend, then went into the bathroom. Eddie, probably thrilled and thinking that Ruth’s friend also wanted to play, went and sat on the bed. At which point Crazy Ruth pulled a .22 out of a closet, said “If I can’t have you, nobody else can,” and shot him right under his heart! And then bitch called the front desk and said “Uhh, I just shot someone.” Eddie’s right lung collapsed and a bunch of other shit got messed up too, and the irony of the situation is that had Crazy Ruth not called immediately after he shot him, he probably would have died. Psycho stalker with a heart of gold, she was.

Ruth confessed in court that she’d also brought a knife to the hotel and had meant to stab Eddie and then shoot herself with the rifle, but she got “confused.” Later she was found legally insane, given electric shock treatments, declared sane, and released in 19fucking52, less than four years after she tried to kill someone. And oh yeah, the murder charges were dropped. Whatevs!

Eddie, meanwhile, almost died several times on the operating table but survived and recovered enough to suit up for a game in August of 1949, a year and two months after the incident. Evidence suggests that he was a fucking android. The Philles showered him with gifts when he made his comeback at “Eddie Waitkus Night,” and the Associated Press named him Comeback Player of the Year, because incidentally no one else HAD BEEN SHOT AND RETURNED TO PLAY A YEAR LATER in 1950.

He would go on to be a pretty good player, making the All-Star team twice and remaining a media darling. But he would be plagued by post-traumatic-stress disorder for the rest of his life as a result of the incident. Ruth and Eddie never saw each other again, and his only public comment about her was, “She had the coldest-looking face that I ever saw.”

Today, the Eddie Waitkus Incident is considered the first truly sensational stalker crime in

UGH.

American history. And most people know about it from Bernard Malamud’s just okay 1952 novel and the fucking transcendent and beautiful 1984 film The Natural directed by Barry Levinson and starring Robert Redford. Let me tell you something about this movie. LHB can attest to the fact that I don’t cry, ever (except for when it’s Christmas and Heathrow won’t let me come home). But you heard it here first: the scene in The Natural where Roy shatters the lights in the stadium and jogs in slow motion around the bases with the swelling music playing…HOLY SHIT. Holy shit. I’m tearing up now just thinking about it.

So Eddie Waitkus, honored in literature and on the silver screen, one of baseball’s greatest comeback stories, and just a genuinely good human being, was shot by a crazy bitch because he thought he was going to get some. And all because he got traded to Philadelphia. Listen, Boston: I get it, but we’ve got our curses too.

MRG